Archive for the ‘utter crap’ Category


Posted: June 5, 2013 in rants, utter crap
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Things have been fairly dark lately. I haven’t wanted to write about it much, because who wants to hear someone whining about how bad life is going? Things are tough all over, bub. Get over it.

Suffice it to say, the new meds for the brain cyst may or may not be affecting my outlook on life. I really should’ve been enjoying the most recent concert I played in. I should be looking forward to the gigs I got coming up.

One of the things that I really like about the TV show The Prisoner, was the suggestion that it really didn’t matter what side that the spy worked for. Future human civilization was going to be collectivist, whether you sided with capitalism or socialism. I don’t know. I just know I better get my penny farthing bike out of the deal.



Confluence is a weird thing. Or, a better way to put that, would be this: A picture of a statue, combined with an article I read on, plus a really cheesy riff I came up with on guitar, plus my literary pretensions, times my break-up, led to this song about men trying to force women to be something they’re not. Or something.

If you click the link, you’ll find an article about the ways men are trained to secretly hate women. One of the most interesting points to me was the bit about men feeling that the culture has promised them a girl all their own. And, much like a Real Doll(tm), this woman isn’t supposed to have much say in this arrangement. Guy does such and such, guy gets the girl of his dreams – just about every movie or book or TV show that features a male/female dynamic in it somewhere has this setup. Of course, this rarely happens in real life: thus, men feel cheated. It’s why a lot of guys have these antagonistic relationships with their significant others, allegedly. 

About the song: Rob hates the name. I get attached to these song titles that use words not found anywhere in the song. Rob comes from the school of thought that the title has to be part of the chorus. I usually feel like the song’s title should reflect the mood of the piece, and that if you say something in the chorus, you don’t need to repeat it. Most songs are written, of course, the way Rob would write. It’s more memorable that way. You hear a song, the chorus is catchy enough to stick in your head; when you look for that song, you look for the part you remember. I think I’m just obstinate. Whatever. Google the name, if you must.


It was like any other day
I made a girl friend out of clay
I taught her all the things to say
We’ll see how far it goes

We found a pleasant place to stay
In gulfport right beside the bay
It’s like a party everyday
We’ll see how far it goes

She don’t like rock and roll
Only listens to Philly soul.

It was like any other day
Me and Clayelle went out to play
She worries about how much she weighs
You know how far that goes

Clayelle looked so far away
Her 1000 yard stare made me say
“Hey baby why you look at me that way?”
You know how far that goes

She likes to dress in black
When she reads Jack Kerouac.

It was like any other day
Clayelle brought home a bag of clay
I looked at her, she looked away
I guess that’s how
it goes.

The chorus of the song is still under debate. 

Except for the article, words and pictures © Christopher Ward. All rights reserved.

So, I’m working on becoming Internet Famous(tm). The trio I’ve been recording with for the past year and a half finally accrued enough stuff to make ourselves a Reverb Nation account. The bass player/recording engineer just put it up today. I have often been asked what kind of music we do. Natural enough question, but it leaves me flummoxed.

“Well,” I hem and haw, “it’s kinda like acoustic-y, R ‘n’ B-ish, uh … ?” I end my super informative description with a shrug. Maybe it’s like distortion-free grunge with bongos instead of a drum set, or hard-to-listen-to easy listening? We’re all adults, and we did it recently, so maybe adult contemporary fits. Haven’t a clue. Which is kind of odd, in a way. I’ve been in bands that were:

Afro-Cuban Jazz
Jazz Trios
Earth, Wind and Fire type of music with a bunch of African drummers instead of a horn section

So, being in something that I can’t readily identify as a “type” or “style” bothers me. Not because I think all music should be categorized into neat little boxes – that was ALWAYS a marketing scam – but because I hate, hate, HATE with the fury of a thousand blue giant suns, that whole “Our music can’t be categorized, man” pretentious bullshit. It’s usually a cop-out, a way to gloss over the fact that you sound like every other bunch of angry teenagers out there, or lonely college kids with fairly whiny lyrics, or jaded grownups who utterly worship Leonard Cohen and anything by Elvis Costello made before 1986. Not that there’s anything wrong with that: I’m pretty sure I’ve been guilty of all of the above and more. It’s just that there are so few bands or musicians who truly don’t sound much like anything else. Nobody sounds like King Crimson, for example. Not even King Crimson. Don’t like an album by them? You will, at some point.

Anyway, the point of all this, is that the bass player put a tag on the Reverb Nation page under the part that says “Sounds like”. Handy feature, that. If you like NIN, or Can, or Jacques Brel, then you’ll like This Band. If you don’t care for Merle Haggard or Tori Amos or The Cramps, then you can safely skip whatever That Band has to offer. It’s an effective weeding system. As the business of marketing music has grown more and more democratic with advances in technology and publishing, errbody and they momma can and is putting out music. You haven’t, you say? Don’t worry. You will. One of you reading this blog right now is probably the next Rebecca Black.

Does any of this have a point? Yes, person in my head that is criticizing this utterly rambling discourse. According to our bass player, we sound like Keb Mo’. I don’t know what to make of that, really. I’ve never heard anything by the guy. Or girl, or band, or whatever. I’ll check him out, and see whether or not I should be cool with that.

“So, what are you guys called?”
“Uh, the Hypothetical Project.”
“Hypothetical Project. It could be a band, it could not. It’s like Schroedinger’s Cat.”
… aaand, that’s usually the point where people smile and nod, and begin to back away slowly.

Rob plays guitar on the yard.


Rob and Alligators and I.

Anyway, if you like Keb Mo’, go check us out.
Hypothetical Project


words and pictures © Christopher Ward. All rights reserved.

My room mate has been on me to join him and his buddies on DC Online. Also, my best friend Marcie (from “Grown and/or Sexy New Year’s Eve”) has got me playing Marvel Avengers on Facebook. Fully functional adults, all of us. Yep.

So anyway, I’ve been thinking about it, and in lieu of actually dual booting my computer so it can play Windows as well as Linux, I am going to just describe some of the heroes I intend to create for each of these games. I suck at them, regardless, so the naming bit is the only thing I’ll really enjoy. Here are the Heroes I will create:

Palmetto Bug Man! 

Superpowers: Near omnipotence.

Theme song: Blatant ripoff of the old “Spiderman” theme, with lyrics like “Palmetto bug Man! Palmetto Bug Man! Does whatever a palmetto bug can! What’s a Palmetto bug do? I dunno, but when he does it,. remember I told you so! Hoo boy, it’s the Palmetto Bug Man!”  And so forth.

Costume: Brown with extra non-functional foam appendages. Logo is the letters “PBM” in gold across the chest.

Lil’ Timmy!

Superpowers: The ability to juggle multiverses while riding a unicycel and whistling “Dixie”.

Theme Song: “Na nah NAHH!”

That’s it. Some guy going “Na nah NAHH!”

Costume: Long-sleeve bootleg concert T-Shirt with a black “Betty Boop” smoking weed; khakis.

The Almighty God-Like Being from Planet Twelve!

Superpowers: All of them. Seriously. Think of a super power, and she’s got ’em. Eats poison and shits out gold plated razor blades, makes rocks so big and heavy even she can’t even move them, whatever.

Theme Song: Written by John Williams and performed by the London Philharmonic. Has the same cadences as “Indiana Jones” and Star Wars”, but has the randomness of a Danny Elfman score. Makes a great disco version.

Costume: As The Almighty God-Like Being from Planet Twelve is female, the outfit is a completely impractical silver thong and pasties set. Her hair billows in the wind, even if there is no wind to speak of.

Captain Picard!

Superpowers: Can alter the number of lights on display in any room, as long as the variance is between four and five lights. Also does a kick-ass impersonation of Professor X.

Theme Song: “Captain Picard! Captain Picard! Que coupe le fromage!”

Costume: Gray rubberised leather unitard with a high-necked collar, lots of tubes sticking out everywhere. Also lasers.



Superpowers: None, really. She’s vengeance. She’s the night.

Theme Song: You don’t really want to hear it. If you do, that’s your ass, pretty much.

Costume: Something else you don’t really want to see. If you’re on her bad side, it’ll be the last thing you’ll see. Trust.


So, these are the superheroes I will create for DC Online. As for Marvel Avengers, the character I’ve created for that is Agent Boomqueeta. She’s Asian, of course.


Something weird happens to the Moon. 

Journey with us now, to the far-out future of the year …
1997, AD.
The Place: Goddard Station, Sea of Tranquility, Luna.
A war-weary Commander Roman keeps an eye trained on the transmissions from the Soviet moon base, New Trotsky-grad.
Commander Roman’s counterpart, Comrade Lieutenant Werganovicz casts her suspicious gaze over to The Qiuyue Revolution Heroic People’s Ascension To The Heavens, also known as the Red Chinese Lunar Base.
Tsu Ming-Irene stares intently at a small monitor and counts the blips and beeps that will tell her what the Yankees are up to in their illegal occupation on the Moon.
The three of them are so intent on their observations of the others that they completely fail to notice the fact that the Earth, usually seen hanging low to the horizon, has vanished. They also don’t notice that the sun’s gone missing as well; even the stars themselves seem to have made themselves scarce.
When Comrade Lieutenant Werganovicz finally looks up from her graphs and tables, she lets out a startled yelp.
The sky above the Moon has become a vast gray wall. Where the blue-green Earth should be is a purple-ish ringed gas giant with its own system of moons. Where the yellow sun should be, a blue super-giant pours its hard white radiance over all.


words and pictures © Christopher Ward. All rights reserved.

Okay, close your eyes. Imagine a gently strummed acoustic guitar and a ukulele with finger-snaps as the accompaniment to this. Mostly major chords and a lullaby-type feel and softness. Maybe birds tweeting, a la “Loving You” By Minnie Ripperton. Shh. Peaceful. So serene.


This is what you see upon awaking.

Industrial Protocols Temporarily Suspended

I’m gonna let my mind wander where it wants to go

Just one time

I’m gonna think about the yes when it should really be no

Just one time

There ain’t no reason you and I could ever be

Just one time

But I’m gonna pretend you’re saying yes to being here with me

Just one time

And when I’m finished with my dreaming, non-productive inefficiency away from the machine

Imagine sunsets, holding hands, growing old, raindrops and playing under shady trees

I’ll step back into this colorless world

I’ll wake myself up to this empty land

I’ll keep a tight grip on my emotions like I should

I’ll put this mask back on and promise I’ll be good.

I’m gonna clear my head and think about those satin ties

Just one time

Roped together in a holy union of Earth and the Skies

Just one time

There’s a bond that we share and you know that it can’t be denied

Just one time

But we shouldn’t have to be the ones ashamed and terrified

Just one time

And when we wake up in the cold gray light of unlit day and pretend it never was

We’ll go right back to work in the straitjacket uniform and punch the clock like everybody else does

We’ll step back into this colorless world

We’ll wake ourselves up to this empty land

We’ll keep a tight grip on our emotions like we should

We’ll put the mask back on and promise we’ll be good.

words and pictures © Christopher Ward. All rights reserved.

No excerpts today. I went in and tweaked some bits about the philosophical debate between the two sides fighting over The Queen and The Wise Woman. Just wanted to make it a little more clear that one side thinks that there are two personages that are distinct from one another, and the other side sees them as one and the same. Sort of an allusion to the ‘trinitarian’ versus ‘modalist’ views debated in the early Christian Church, ‘cept different.  I also built up some bits about what happens to Tule (the professor who becomes part of Mind), and some political chicanery afoot on Syl. The finished product might have absolutely none of that in it; I just thought it would be a good thing to put it on paper, so I know what’s going on.

One of the things I realize that I’m trying to create here is a very complex and nuanced universe. In my head, I can see the course of events, the flow of history, that led to my characters being who they are; the societies that shaped them, the beliefs they hold dear and also struggle with, even the (often unwieldy) names they get saddled with. The trick, for me, has been to provide all that backstory without bogging the whole thing down so that it reads like a history textbook. A thing I always have said about my writing (to all the uncounted thousands of people who’ve asked me), is that I picture what people are doing, what sort of things are happening, and then I write it down. I try to write it down in the way that I talk. The thing is, I actually talk like this. I’m a blast at parties, obviously.

Me at a party:

Me at a party, being the life of same.


Yeah, baby.